These shackled limbs are numb and weak. I feel the sweat roll down my bare back as I carry the selfish world on my shoulders. My skin feverishly misses the sunshine and the ocean breeze but the time is almost here. The time of youth and freedom. It’s the time where I crack these shackles, feed my skin the kiss of the sun and allow my hair to dance wildly with the song of the salt air. Until then, I’ll dream of Summer’s sweet bliss.

it’s time to wake up and for others, it’s time to give it a rest.

The alley was damp as she stumbled out of the club’s back door. Her make up was half way down her face and the stench of vodka lingered around her blotchy red lips. The straps of her bra were annoyingly falling off her shoulders when she made her way to the broken window. The girl in the reflection was a mess and the word Whore displayed itself vividly in her mind. Distraught, she tried to rub the excess black eyeliner and mascara that ran deep under her eyes and began to cry. Not caring about the dirty alley ground she fell limply, resting her back on a trash can and held her face in her hands. She felt a gentle tug at her shimmery short skirt. “What do you want?” she slurred as she lifted her head. An icy gleam of fear painted her face as she stared into the same eyes but only as a little girl. The little girl was wearing a white lacey dress that looked as if a grandmother had made it by hand. Her blue eyes told a story of youth and innocence. “I didn’t want to be this way,” said the little girl in a sweet lush voice. In her raspy tone “What way?” she asked the little girl. “The way you’ve chosen for me. I am no whore. I have potential. I am beautiful and willing to make it in this world but you’ve gone and screwed that up. What I wanted in life was taken away because you wanted a carefree life. Well look at where that took us, straight into this shithole. Did I ever say I wanted to lose my virginity at 14 years old? No. Did I ever say I could only function if my body was pumped with that poison and Red Bull? No. Where’s the success? Where’s Prince Charming and that damn horse?” The whore’s contemplation was dumbfounded, “Those things don’t exist. You’ll learn this.” The little girl stomped her foot and raised her voice, “Then you find away to make those things exist! Or we’re as good as dead!” Knowledge dawned on the fallen whore and she willed the little girl gone. She stumbled home and into her bed. The thought of change scarred her brain as she trembled the thought of that pissed off little girl’s return. Nothing is scarier than your past ripping you a new one just for realization. The little girl was right she didn’t want it to be this way. She couldn’t even remember when this path got so blurred. All she knew was that it had to change or she was as good as dead.   

One long night of nothingness triggered it all. The air was thick with a cold stillness as feelings I had never felt grew. They grew at such a scary pace as he talked and looked at me. This stranger looked at me, in my eyes and spoke. I didn’t look away, I couldn’t. He was speaking and I was listening, hanging on every word. It was as if I’d never hear him speak again. I was that focused and willing. My heart dropped. He spoke words of wisdom and sincerity with such purity. I melted in my own doubts. Where are the flaws? He admitted he had them and I was impressed. I was stunned and icy cold thinking oh no. I tried to stop myself but my words became sweeter and my intentions had changed. The feeling of the world around us becoming further and further away was frightening. I was no longer in a world of reality but in a world with just two people. Him and I. He lifted me higher and higher, and I grabbed the arms of my chair attempting to stay grounded. Oh no.

The night had passed and I felt as if our words of common conversation were too much. Every sunrise with a man had never impacted me such as this one. I had to ask myself why is he on your mind and how do you free yourself from his hold? It was impossible, utterly impossible. I couldn’t erase that night nor those feelings. I’ve tried writing it down and erasing it but every time the story changes and becomes even more magical. The feelings grow vastly. Am I creating this stranger? Is he as beautifully imperfect as I am imagining? For once in my life I’m right and more wrong than ever. I’ll never get that night back. The sun came up and shone light on my life and reality. Fuck feelings and reality.

Rock me softly

Till I sleep

Hold me intensely

I’m yours to keep

And in this moment

I give in

You feed it

and my love for you feels like a sin